The doctor looked me in the eye and asked me this question this afternoon: "How have you made it to the place where you are?" And he wasn't talking about the minor foot surgery he was performing. He was talking about the odds stacked against my life. Most of the time I have to tell the doctor that I have been diagnosed with PTSD from my childhood. He was one of those rare people who asked questions. He actually asked me about my life and about my kids.
My reply: I found God in my suffering. Who am I God? "Then King David went in and sat before the Lord and said, “Who am I, O Lord God, and what is my family, that you have brought me thus far?" 1 Chronicles 17:16. What is this life, that you have brought me thus far?
I didn't expect to find God today on that physician's gurney but a Great Physician was there. Right in the midst of the panic, a little anesthetic that awakened something needy in me. And my God clutched my hand.
Buechner said it today: "Pay Attention."
"The unexpected sound of your name on somebody's lips. The good dream. The odd coincidence. The moment that brings tears to your eyes. The person who brings life to your life. Maybe even the smallest events hold the greatest clues. If it is God we are looking for, as I suspect we all of us are, even if we don't think of it that way and wouldn't use such language on a bet, maybe the reason we haven't found Him is that we are not looking in the right places. As a talisman or motto for that journey in search of a homeland, which is what faith is, I would settle for that too."
"Pay Attention." Frederick Buechner
A text came to me while on that gurney and it read: "All of us are meant to reveal something about the heart of God." Dan Allender. And I wept. Because I hold thoughts of several who have told me strong just how wrong I've been in life as I've tried to do good. Wrong in theology. Wrong in methodology. Wrong in service. Wrong in achievement.
As we move one day closer to our homeland, make us strong deep down where it counts. May we pay attention to what stirs within, without, about. May we find you this day along the way.
PHOTO: Mothers Day 2023. The relatives on my sister's side. My four have spent every holiday every year for the first 21 years of their lives with this family in Plano. They are a wise bunch. May we all pay attention to what is happening in our hearts.
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