35 - "Just To Touch Your Face Again" Genesis 43-45; Matthew 22:23-46

Jacob only wanted to go and see his long lost son, Joseph. 

Jacob didn't demand that Joseph come to him 

nor did he ask to go live with Joseph in all his Pharaoh's glory. 

Jacob just wanted to see his boy he thought was dead for how many years?

I just love that. 

Jacob didn't even ask a caravan of questions like I would. 

He mounted his animal in golden silence 

cherishing the opportunity 

to touch his boy's face, 

kiss him one last time, 

and bless the boy. 

It would be another decade of life for Jacob under his son's care 

but not in a palace.

When death is near, 

may I live this simple and true and kind to all of you children.

PHOTO:  Christmas 2025. Our last Christmas. 14 of us now. 

May I live simple and true and kind to you all.  

No caravan of questions.  

Just to touch your face once again.  

34 - "All Things Are Against Me" Genesis 41-42; Matthew 22:1-22

Here it is in Chapter 42. Jacob concluded: "all these things are against me." Genesis 42:36 He lost a young teenage Joseph; Simeon and Benjamin are now taken captive.  I know the end of this story but not my life's story. This story works out for good. Way too often, the plethora of things I think are against me, well, all those things are actually working together for my good and the good of all.  I just don't see the working for us of a weight of glory. 2 Cor 4:17. I wish I did.  But this I do know, it is the God Above who sustains my soul to wait for Him. In due time, our God will act. Humble yourselves under His Mighty Hand.

"It is not in me, God will give Pharaoh a favorable answer.’’ Genesis 41:16 ESV. That's Joseph's response to the Pharaoh who imprisoned him. "Great gifts appear most graceful and illustrious when those that have them use them humbly, and take not the praise of them to themselves, but give it to God. To such God gives more grace." Joseph gives goodwill to the Pharaoh and to the chief butler. What respect---both evil men. Let God deal with them. God has plans for Joseph and for you and for me for our betterment. Trust him in the dungeon. Even when the chief butler forgets you, once again, for two more years. Even when you think God may have forgotten. Trust in the dark days. 

Today is one of those for me I've been through cancer and rape and abuse. But nothing like what happened to me one Friday the 13th. Changed my life for the good forever. The eyes of the Lord run back and forth this whole earth to show Himself strong to any of us in dungeons or palaces. It's always within us to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, but that's not life.  Providence is. And that's why Joseph chose to wait on God to be lifted up. Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and give to God what is God's. Matt 22:21. It is the Providence of God working in my life and I couldn't be more grateful although I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Am I living for resolution or a relationship? There is enough Light to live well for the next step. Give your moments to God---it's all His. 

PHOTO: Santa Rosa Island, Florida. I stood here a few months after that January 13th when I didn't know if I could make it.  Feeling forgotten. Alone on the beach. And an unknown lady sitting on the seashore right where I passed by, well, she walked right up to me and said:  "You are going to be okay."  Was it an angel? God sends hope along the way.

33 - “Forgotten” Genesis 39-40; Matthew 21:23-46

  #33 We must not think it strange in this world if slights are returned for our kindness. Live content to prove yourself innocent—-don’t upbraid others with their guilt.  Genesis 40:23. 

                                                           

More than a decade ago, a forgotten thing happened to me that changed my world upside down forever. I didn't think I could go on. God empowers us and gives us our very breath to fall forward and trust. The chief butler does nothing for Joseph. Genesis 40:23. “The chief cupbearer did not remember Joseph, but forgot him.” We forget about God. God never forgets. The Matthew Henry  commentary says: We must not think it strange, if in this world we have hatred shown us for our love, and slights for our kindness. See how apt those who are themselves at ease are to forget others in distress. Joseph learned by his disappointment to trust in God only. We cannot expect too little from man, nor too much from God. 

Genesis 40:15 is such a telling verse. A story in a tweet. "For I was in fact kidnapped from the land of the Hebrews, and even here I have done nothing that they should have put me into the dungeon.” Genesis 40:14-15. And I LOVE what Matthew Henry says about this verse: "Joseph does not reflect upon his brethren that sold him; nor does he reflect on the wrong done him by his mistress and his master, but mildly states his own innocence. When we are called on to clear ourselves, we should carefully avoid, as much as may be, speaking ill of others. Let us be content to prove ourselves innocent, and not upbraid others with their guilt." Matthew Henry Commentary 

Then, what maybe two years later, an opportunity to interpret Pharaoh's dream comes. Joseph interprets it right! Gen 40:23 - FORGOTTEN a.g.a.i.n. That's 3 major times...forgotten by his brothers; forgotten by the cupbearer; forgotten by Pharaoh. Joseph found something within those four prison walls that could not keep him bound. He found Peace. He found Rest. Am I looking for my circumstances to change or for my heart to find rest in the midst of my mess. Joseph found a good God who didn't deliver Him out of his prison...at least not yet.

There are longings in all of us for One Thing:  

       We are men & women in misery who want only One Thing
       Not relief from our misery (althought that would be nice)
       But HOPE ---
       Hope of Intimacy and Meaning and Joy Forever, 
       in Relationship with Our God
       Who is redeeming our story.                                       66 LL

PHOTO:  I stood here a few months after that January 13th when I didn't know if I could make it.  Alone on the beach.  And an unknown lady walked up to me and said:  "You are going to be okay."  God sends hope along the way.

32 - "Juxtaposition Yet The Working of Providence" Genesis 36-38; Matthew 21:1-22

Favoritism. Abraham and Isaac, his one and only son. Isaac and Esau. Rebekah and Jacob. Now, Jacob and Joseph. And Joseph's brothers hated him for the special treatment, the special dreams. But in the midst of the rift, it is Joseph who is arrogant and boastful. They were all broken people, just like me. Gen 37:24 - Joseph is thrown into a pit of no water while his brothers sit down to drink freely and eat unabashedly. That juxtaposition is simply striking; the foreshadowing is simply breathtaking. Gen 37:19. The brothers throw him into a pit and concoct a story about animals devouring Joseph and say: "we shall see what will become of his dreams." And we do. His dreams came true. Joseph will come to power and save the very lives of his brothers who meant to harm him forever. Their betrayal became the means for their survival. May it never be. God never intended for us to pick sides, to pick apart. Yet, always, the Providential Hand rules over. In my own life, I've played too many favorite games with people but it's over. And God's Providence is utmost our very life and protection. We trust.

More dreams...

Matthew 21:9 - "Hosanna to the Son of David!  Blessed is He who comes in the Name of the Lord! Hosanna in the Highest!"  And when He entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred up, saying, "Who is This?" The point is that a king would come riding upon a horse when he was bent on war; 

but he came riding upon an ass for he was coming in peace. 
This action of Jesus is a sign that He was not the warrior figure men dreamed of, 
but the Prince of Peace. No one saw it that way at that time, not even the disciples...
They were looking for the Messiah of their own dreams and their own wishful thinking.  William Barclay

Do I look this day for the Messiah of my own dreams, my own wishful thinking?  
Or do I embrace The Deliverer Who Has Come to Save Me and Set Me Free?

PHOTO:  We bowed our heads in thanks for our brothers and sisters with us that day and those who could not be with us.  Providence is watching over us all.  

31 - "Lift Your Eyes As A Signal" Genesis 33-35; Matthew 20:17-34

#31 Lift your eyes as if to signal through scores of generations: I am changed. I am both forgiven and forgiving. Genesis 33:5 

                                                                                     

"Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept." Genesis 33:4. Jacob waited for this moment for decades, anticipating the worst. And when he heard the news that 400 men accompanied his estranged brother, what could he believe. So, what he sees is just a miracle of God. A changed life. The face of a betrayer is now the face of God to Jacob. Esau is now a man of patience and hope.  So curious to me that the fresh face of Esau didn't seek out his brother to make amends. Joseph, the victim, took the initiative. 

Whether it was restraining grace, redeeming grace, or resisting grace, Esau and Jacob met and greeted as friends.  There's no addressing the awful animosity.  They only outdo one another in showing honor through gifts and manpower.  The wrestling Jacob must have truly met with God who empowers him to trust in this situation of 400 men, of a sudden, escorting his estranged brother.  If Jacob had fears, he faced them square on.  Seriously.  What a story.  And in Gen 33:5, Esau "lifts his eyes" as if to signal throughout the scores of generations, I am changed; I am new; I am both forgiven and forgiving.  The echo rings to today's world.  I lift my eyes to the mountains from where my help comes from.  And I pray like that watchtower Jacob trusted in that we all be friends.  It's what I want more than anything.  I could only hope that people were not mad at me.  My arms are open wide.  I'll never stop trusting in this life.  And we will all live together in peace in the next one.  Written with tears streaming down.

Photo:  Castles crumble

While John in the Book of Matthew in 11:3 is still asking - "Are you the One we've been expecting or are we still waiting?"  John asks the question from a dark damp dungeon---a prison cell for preaching truth.  But it's Jesus' reply knowing the rest of the story that grips me this day.  "Go to the prison and tell John:  The blind see, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, the wretched of the earth learn that God is on their side."  We know the rest of the story in Matt 14: 11-12...John's head would be carried on a platter at Herod's birthday party at the request of Herodian and her daughter.  John wasn't healed or saved from a horrendous death.  John knew something I don't know as he wrestled through Jesus leaving him from prison cell to prison cell.  Yet John was free.  When I lost one of my babies to miscarriage, Elisabeth Elliot wrote me the words of this passage. 

Are you burned out with what God is asking of you?  Are you worn out with your life, your family, your friends, your ministry?  Matt 11:28-30 - "Come to Me.  Get away with Me and you'll recover your life.  How do you get away with Jesus?  He will show you how to take a real rest.   "Walk with Me and work with Me---watch how I do it.  Learn the unforced rhythms of Grace.  I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.  Keep company with Me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."  

PHOTO: The city where I live I’ve spilt a few tears in these waters. And, then again, the loyal, faithful, dedicated Jacob acts irrationally.  Castles crumble.  People crumble. Something horrific happens to Jacob's daughter, Dinah, and he says nothing.  Nothing at all.  No voice. And his sons conspire wrongly with a loud voice.  Oh! the depth of our depravity. What does this mean for my life?

30 - "I Hope They Run To Us Like Esau" Genesis 31-32; Matthew 20:1-16

I love beyond measure Genesis 32:1 that says: "Jacob went on his way, and the angels of God met him."  And, Oh!  Jacob's response:  “This is God's camp!” And then, Jacob rides to welcome estranged Esau with gifts fitting for a king.  But, his betrayed brother, Esau, is coming to meet Jacob with 400 men.  Jacob just descended from the top of the world to the depths of despair cause of a number:  400.  Isn't the God of the camp bigger than 400?  It happens to me all the time.  I'll get an e-mail, or a perceived rebuke and I'm all over it---not in a good way.  Jacob may be distressed but he did something beautiful:  He divided his camp into two to take care of his people---for this potential danger was in response to Jacob not them.  And he prayed believing God would do him good.  Genesis 32:9. And he went to his Maker who holds the daunting power to hold back 400.  And Jacob wrestled with God.  And God touched this broken messed up life.  And the rest of the story moves with such sadness as Jacob's daughter was "used" by men while Jacob, now Israel, remains silent.  Even great men of God lapse back and forth into sin.  Even in the midst of Good. Where was Israel?  Where am I?

Oh! God of Abraham and Isaac, we are not worthy of the least of all the deeds of Your Steadfast Love, of Your Faithfulness shown. Thank you for doing us good, no matter if we see 400 in our face or four. Please deliver us from those who don't want to have anything to do with us.  And I say that with tears streaming down as I move back this month to a town where I felt great distance and rejection by those I loved.  I hope they run to us someday like Esau.  My arms are open wide. We want to see Your Face, O God!

And God says to me ... Can't I do what I want with everything that is Mine. Words breathed in Matthew 20:16.

 

PHOTO:  Free Christ Images photo credit.  "Constantinople."  Oh! To be touched by God and know it!

29 - "Give Me This ____ Or I Will Die" Genesis 29-30; Matthew 19

Sisters.  Jealousy.  Seems as though God has forgotten Rachel.  She goes 27 years barren. Genesis 30:1---the book opens with: "Give me sons or I will die." Who waits almost 3 decades for a child? Unheard of.  

A broken, beautiful Rachel. "Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and enabled her to conceive. She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and she said, 'God has taken away my disgrace.' She named him Joseph, and said, 'May the Lord add to me another son.' " Genesis 30:22. And it's a Rachel who holds no malice toward her sister any longer.  God added so much to Rachel's life.  God acts in behalf of those who wait for Him.  We wait for God, not man. Isa 64:4.

We all say it to varying degrees.
Give me this _______________
or I will die.
I have to have this______________
to truly live.
Genesis 30.

All we need is what God has provided.

Great is Thy Faithfulness.  Lord, unto me.  Live with hope, dear friends.  Unfulfilled desires.  You can still find the joy.  There are no quick fixes in life.  Live in hope on the narrow road, uphill and bumpy all the way.  The Spirit of God is moving in you quietly, nudging you toward God.  You don't have to have what you think.

“Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?” Matthew 19:16. Life is not about "doing," all about "being."  Being so in love that service flows out. It is not our service that God wants. Our hearts. Follow fully. The Gospel is the remedy for our sin-sick souls. 

Photo:  For 27 years, I've walked this shore. Long time.  Hold fast to those dreams God gives. The Gulf of Mexico. 

28 - "Could Be That God Was In This Place" Genesis 27-28; Matthew 18:21-35

 #28 - Very well could be that God is in this place, and I know it not. Genesis 28:16

                                                          

It was a full-fledged lie. Again. Rebekah took the very best garments of Esau's, skins of the best young goats, and the most delicious homemade foods and breads.  And she placed it all inside the palms of Jacob, her favorite. God never intended for us play favorites in this life.  What are you really saying when you communicate one child is "special," more so than the next? Genesis 27:15. Rebekah knew the blessing was supposed to go to Jacob so she jumped right in to make God's will happen. God does not need our helpfulness to bring about His Will. He can turn the king's heart like a watercourse. Prov. 21:1. He will.  All three involved in the drama manipulated to accomplish what they thought was good for them and others. 

Not only did Jacob cheat Esau out of the birthright, but Jacob has just usurped the blessing from his older brother with a little help from his mother. Genesis 27:36. And his mother plots to send Jacob to her brother, Laban. Rebekah will never see Jacob again. Although Isaac believes he is nearing death, he goes on to live 43 more years to the age of 180, according to Martin Luther. And all three in the love triangle must live with what they have done and the repercussions. The most severe response comes from Esau who wants the blessing back. He responds with the intent of murder. This is one messed up family. And this is the lineage that Christ chose to make his own, from the families of Jacob. 

I see and hear myself, bits and pieces, weaved into the story. I want the best for my life, for my children.  Even this day. Will I be driven to dependence on the Providential Hand of God on my life?

Meanwhile … Jacob has a dream. What sets us up for dreams? I wonder.

Frozen Shoulder set me up---I started having startling unspeakable nightmares, night terrors.
One night it was four in a row. Same theme: death.
The ingredients of Jacob's Dream: 
* a tumultuous journey; a guilty conscience; no place for his head *
A rock for a pillow. 
A ladder to climb.
God says:  I am Jehovah, the God of your father and your God.
I will not leave you until I have accomplished all the things I have promised to you.
God is everywhere upholding all things by His Power
and God was here in a special sense. 
A signal token of His Presence darting from the heavens.
Jacob didn't expect to meet God in such a place.
Remember Mary at Christ's elbow and she knew it not. John 20:13.
Now Jacob, God is in this place and I knew it not. Genesis 28:16.
May we find Him today between a rock and a hard place.

Overlay the New Testament:

What do I think deep within? How will I reason the matters in my mind today? What will I conclude? What will I firmly believed about my issues? Will I be strongly impressed and influenced by the Spirit of God? Matthew 18:35 - forgive unconditionally anyone who asks for mercy. 

PHOTO:  Walking the beaches of Santa Rosa Island praying Psalm 123:2 --- recanting and relenting and listening and lifting eyes to the heavens for help.  I must live knocking on that Door, no other.  

27 - "Live in Your Longings, Don't Bargain" Genesis 25-26; Matthew 18:1-20

#27 Live in your longings, don’t bargain. Genesis 26:1                                                                                                   

A bargain for a birthright. Genesis 26.

Esau owned the birthright by Providence---why wouldn't he want it?
Jacob longed for the birthright by Promise---why wouldn't he wait for it?
It was supposed to be a double portion.
A spiritual birthright of privilege.
A powerful birthright of excellence.                                                                                                           Jacob wanted the spiritual blessings but went about it in an indirect way.                                                    He knew the "smell of the scent" from his tents says M. Henry.

Jacob stepped into the opportunity that Esau let slip through his hairy hands.
"If we use ourselves to deny ourselves, we break the forces of most temptations."

Esau reasoned poorly---I'm going to die.
How many times we all are in "longing conditions" and
have to have what is right in front of us.
Better to die in longing then live in the disgrace.
I know that feeling thinking I have to have something. Preschoolers, like these sweet ones, know it all too well. They want what they see. Nothing else will please. And, —- I'm stuck in that moment. Live in your longings but don't bargain, don't squeeze out of it. Walk through by faith. 

Like these children. The greatest in the kingdom. Dependent. Trusting. Matthew 18.

PHOTO: A 3-year-old birthday party. 

26 - "Live Loosely With The Attachments of This Life" Genesis 23-24; Matthew 17

 9 - Live loosely with the attachments to this life. Our chief concern always should be: With Whom shall we rise. (M.Henry).  Genesis 24:1. Ask. Seek. Knock. Matthew 7:7

                                                                      

Live loosely with all the Attachments to this life.  Lighten the grip.  Don't be overly spiritual.  Seek after heavenly graces.  Pay your due respect to all, even if they are unworthy bad actors.  Happens every single day.  Those who have the least on this earth still have a grave.  There is a place of burial for each one of us.  Be content where you live.  We can find joy in unfulfilled desires.  Abraham lived contented to be a pilgrim in a promised land.  He lived more concerned about securing the place where he was going. Genesis 24:1 - blessed in every way.   

"The chief concern is with whom we shall rise." M. Henry.

Because One Day this will all be over.  All this worldly glory will be gone.

All these things we have cared about way too much.

See through the possessions and the physical beauty and the parades and the pomp.

See right through the facade to the Day we live for:

Falling Stars from the sky. 

Darkened Sun under head.  

Forgotten Moon failing to turn on the light. 

Powerful Heavens shaken to the core.

Appearing Son of Man---in the Sky.

Mourning Tribes of the earth.

Watchful Eyes see Someone coming on the clouds.

Sending Angels to gather His Elect from the 4 winds.

Will He find faith? A tiny grain of faith?

And a father in Matthew 17:14-15 sees the power of God in his affliction. What anguish of soul for a Dad to watch his son t.o.r.m.e.n.t.e.d. physically by demons. LORD, will you do anything?  Jesus replies in 17:21: With a tiny grain of faith, say to your mountain: 'Move Forward,' and it will move!  Nothing will be impossible for you.  

PHOTO:  Mount Rainier

25 - "Now, My Eyes See You" Job 41-42; Matthew 16

We are not the prosecutors in this life of ours. 

God is not the defendant. He is the king. 

May we learn to wrestle well; With hands over our classy mouths. 

With hearts right over our clenched fists. 

With heads held high over our cluttered minds. 

Then Job answered the Lord:
      “I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
Job 40:2-4
And God answers once again.
This time from a storm.

Job's answer to his Lord forces us to deal with those existential questions: Who is God and what is He up to in Job's life; in my life; in your life.  

Job's Response:
"I have heard of you, God, by the hearing of the ear;
But now my eye sees You.  Job 42:5-6

Therefore, I 
Retract and I
Repent in Dust and Ashes.
When God comes up from behind and we sense His Presence
When God comes up through strangers unaware
When God comes up within and we know His Goodness,
When God comes up to surprise us to uncover His Goodness ...
and we learn that
We are not the Prosecuting Attorney.
God is not the Defendant. 
Nor does He need us to defend Him and
pretend that all is well even though He has allowed suffering.

"God extinguished all the lights that had been guiding Job on a pleasant path through life, in order to gain entrance into Job's heart with Light of His Presence."66LL Are we mad that God has nudged us off the pleasant path? There is only One Source. There is only One Light.  We want God to undo all our problems and steer us back to that pleasant path. But, God is uncovering His Beauty, His Presence in you and me.  So be it. Amen & Amen. 

How about you? Who do you say that I am? Matthew 16:15

PHOTO: A storm brewing in Pagosa Springs where we were met with God's Grace. July 3, 2023 

24 - "Where Were You When I Laid the Foundations of the Earth?" Job 38-40; Matthew 15:21-39

And God speaks out of a whirlwind. To his child who lost 10 children. To his child who lost his health. 

To his child who lost his community. He sent a whirlwind not a spa. 

And God asks Job five dozen questions! "Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge...Job 38:2; Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?" Have you ever commanded the sun to rise and the morning stars sang? What am I doing in this little life of mine? Do I live with the awareness of a very Present God holding all things together, even me. Do I live with expectations for God to show up in soft whispers to a broken world. Do I believe that the abundant life of John 10:10 holds expectations of my own thinking. This is A God Who shows up in a whirlwind to a hurting, broken son of God. Nothing soft about this. Help me to see the reality of what stirs in the Whirlwind of my own soul this very day. Help me to see my own sin of demandingness that YOU come through for me. Give us eyes to see and ears to hear the Sound of your Voice from the Whispers to the Whirlwinds and all in-between. !

23 - "Listen for the Sounds of God" Job 36-37; Matthew 15:1-20

                                                          It was the Sound of God that I heard 8 years ago 1/13/2006. Never have I ever been more persuaded and convinced by a very Good God Who allowed some suffering in my life that has turned into way more good than I could have ever imagined. Look at where I am today. That Great Divide was the best thing that ever happened to me. At the time, I literally thought it to be the worst. And I spiraled down into a depression that I never knew even existed. And my God showed up in my life like never before. 

When I told Beth Moore at a conference what had happened, she replied to me: Ezekiel 8:3. God has yanked you by the head of your hair and lifted you up. Go. 

And everywhere I turned, people would share with me Jonah 2:8. I'd turn the radio on and they would be talking about it. I'd go to church and it would be in the sermon: do not miss the Grace of God passing you by. 

Listen to the Sounds of God. 

Keep listening for the Thunder of His Voice, Job. Job 37:3. 

Job is listening but he doesn't hear---and he needs to ask himself why he is not hearing the Sound of God. We all need to ask ourselves today: do we hear the Sound of God in our lives? Elihu is about to hear That Thunder too. 

"It is no surprise that the Bible uses hearing, not seeing, as the predominant image for the way human beings know God. They can't walk around God and take God in like a cathedral or an artichoke. They can only listen to time for the Sound of God---to the good times and bad times of their own lives for the words God is addressing to, of all people, them." (Frederick Buechner, Beyond Words.) 

Matthew 15:18 - "But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander."   Incurvatus in se----Latin for "curved inward on oneself."

PHOTO: A whirlwind.

22 - "If God Is Silent" Job 34-35; Matthew 14:22-36

The ears test words like the tongue tastes food. Job 34:3-4. Let us discern together what is right and learn what is good. May we all listen to words that matter for our lives. Job 34:29 "if God is silent" ... then what? What stirs in you as we read chapter after chapter after chapter about a man who lost his 10 children? Job is trying to make sense of his suffering. Suffering with no explanation. Elihu explodes cause evidently the older generation should make sense of it all. What's his pull? What stirs in you? I keep thinking about how Job and his wife lost their 10 children and I wonder what God is saying to Job in his silence? I keep thinking of a very old quote: "The first step to sanctity is self-knowledge." Job is wrestling with what is really going on inside of him. "If we stay within the darkness, stick close to the Cross, through death we will come to know the God Who reveals Himself in the process of dying and renewal." Something beautiful is happening to Job on the inside. We know that because we know the rest of the story. Am I staying within my own darkness, sticking close to His Cross, and dying to my pride and fears so that He may reveal and renew my spirit. Have mercy on us, O God! God is speaking through His Word. What matters more than listening and living. It seems strange as we read this story that Job's friends could not see what was going on inside of their hearts. God spoke directly to their hearts in those days. They had no Word of God; held no pages to turn. How far was Ur from the Garden of Eden? How many stories had been passed along since Creation? All we know at this point is the Creation Story, Adam & Eve, Cain and Abel, the Tower of Babel. And then, a righteous man, in a far off city of Ur. A man accused of saying "my wound is incurable, though I am without transgression." Job 34:6. Where on earth was the compassion of these men? I mean, he lost 10 children. We are not punished for our sins. And there is truth in Job 32:8 that it is the spirit in man, the breath of the Almighty, that makes man understand. O God, help us to understand, to know wisdom, for the place where we sit this day. May we fall to our knees in prayer: Jesus climbed the mountain so he could be by himself and prayer alone into the night. Matthew 14:23.

God is at work among us 
This Very Present Hour
and we may have no idea what He is up to.
Isn't He looking for our faith?
Bring me those who are sick
And I will heal them...
they need only touch the Hem of my Garment
Matt 14:36
I cannot touch a hem without Faith
that God is going to be Present and

work a work of faith with Power.

 

PHOTO:  Taken at a sultry sunset over Santa Rosa Island as I contemplated what trumps all this suffering.

21 - "Better to Fall Into the Hands of God than Man" Job 32-33; Matthew 14:1-21

Oh, the Grandeur of what God has done on this earth and in our hearts.

Oh, the Arrogance at what we have thought we could have done better.

Job 33:13 ~ Why is Job complaining about what God is doing?

There are parts of this story about Job and his fair-weather friends that are simply so sad.  Here's a man who has lost his 10 children. Lost his good health.  Lost his community.  Job does not even have one child to console him about the death of the others.  There are no words in the English language to communicate the extent of this devastating loss.  No Words.  Instead!  An Accusation of his sin:  ~ Job 34:36 ~ It appears that Job needs to be tested to the utmost for answering and questioning God but that is not the rendering of these words. God shows "the Satan" which is a position not a person, that here is a man who loves God. Job loves God for Who He is. He has every earthly reason to give up. He has all of God to hang on to. Look at what is not being said: Job is not cursing God; Job is not asking for blessings. This story is all about restoration not about sin. And the words of David fall into play:  It is better to fall into the Hands of God rather than into the hands of men (Heb 10:34). Job knew that. He was imperfectly fully committed to God and God knew it. God treated Job with utmost respect and "personal sentiment"---Job is  "my servant." 

Why can't we fall forward into Loving Arms and speak our heart?  God will make us aright.  He will set us back on our feet again.  He will make all things new. Our God, this very moment, is knocking on the door of our hearts---a progressive move, Rev. 3:20.  Why won't we listen?  God is Powerful, Omniscient, and Good in our darkest days.  Trust.  How can we not?  To Whom else shall we go?  To What else this day?

And there is truth in Job 32:8 that it is the spirit in man, the breath of the Almighty, that makes man understand. O God, help us to understand, to know wisdom, for the place where we sit this day. 

PHOTO:  The Grandeur. Washington State. Where my husband grew up and found God. 

20 - "What is The Measure of Your Expectations" Job 30-31; Matthew 13:31-58

20 Do I measure my life by my expectations of God? Love or Loss? Job 30:16

God did not forget to set the sun in the sky this morning or

close it down this evening.  

He has never forgot to be good to us.

It's just His Nature.  

In his myriad of struggles,
Job asks the same question that St. John of the Cross asked
when John faced ridicule, banishment, and suffering.
Where did you go, God? Are you hidden from me?
It's not an avant garde Christian question to ask in our day.
Your friends will think you lack faith.
Your family will question your stability.

But Job said it too:
What about the day
When the Almighty was yet with me. 
And my children were still all around me.
Can we go back to the good days?

I remember saying on the day I learned that I had cancer:
I liked the way my day started but not The End of the day.
So, what's the measurement for us? 
Was Job or John or even my statement aware of God working.

But the day of Affliction has seized me.
Job 30:16
And do we pound on God's door with questions?
What do we need?
Where is God?

We must desire what lies beyond our thoughts, our imagination, our good minds.
Desire will get us to God.  What prepares our souls better to find God again?
Our desires.  We desire too little.
"Growing means expanding our expectations;
or rather, making His Generosity, not our poverty,
the Measure of our Expectations." Iain Mathew The Impact of God.

Job still measured his life by his devastating losses.  Do I?

19 - "God Is An Earthquake" Job 28-29; Matthew 13:1-30

#19  Our experiences are not the means to find God---they are the context in which we find God. 

Job 28:23 "God Alone knows the Way to Wisdom." Job 28:28 "Here it is! Fear-of-the-LORD----that's wisdom , and Insight means shunning evil." Am I shunning evil or am I slapping its wrist like it was a naughty thing to do? 

I first read the quote from Abraham Heschel when we were going through a hard time back in F.W. "God is not nice. God is not an uncle. God is an earthquake." 66 LL says the world of Christendom does not want to believe that. "Am I willing to die to my blessings as my source of life?" Dead to self. Alive to God. 

LORD make us all come alive to You as our Only---One and Only---Source of Life. My desires for righteousness, 2 Thes 1:11-12, are good and right but how to get there in this life must be reckoned with. I am not on the path for God to relieve all my suffering. 

I hadn't seen Larry in a while and saw him in North Carolina. The first words out of his mouth to me:---"We aren't here to talk about your cancer, Bev. You may meet Him before I do (Larry had cancer too and he is actually with Him tonight). We're here to talk about the Beautiful God in you that is using that struggle to uncover a rest in you. We're here to talk about God and what He's up to in you." Our experiences are not the means to find  God---they are the context in which we find God. 

It's the stories that nudge us to a welcome awakening. Matthew 13:13. 

It's my story that has provided the context of knowing God.

PHOTO: Rockport, Texas. Walking on the shore, thinkingbout God and how we can even come close to understanding an all-present, all-knowing God. a

18 - “Hold Fast, My Righteousness” Job 25-27; Matthew 12:24-50

                                                 

Job isn't recognized anymore by his friends or his community.  Job's reply:  Job 27:2 “As God lives, Who has taken away my right, and the Almighty, who has made my soul bitter, as long as my breath is in me, and the spirit of God is in my nostrils, my lips will not speak falsehood, and my tongue will not utter deceit."  

No hierarchy in God's Kingdom.  No big people and little people in Job’s day.  We are all his brothers and sisters and mothers. Jesus says in Matthew 12:49 that obedience is thicker than blood. Who are my mother and brothers? Not the hierarchy in the world in which I live! ... where I am not recognized nor sought after—-I feel forgoten and invisible most days ... but in God's Kingdom His Pursuit of me is relentless, inexpressible, incessant. Live to love not to be loved. Live to serve not to be served. 

Job 27:6 "Hold fast, my Righteousness." Hold fast, my Friend. As long as breath is in us. What is our hope when God cuts us off?  This we know, the Almighty is always doing us good, even in suffering.  Hold fast! Those two words mean a great deal to me. My counselor, Bruce, for 3 years frequently ended with “hold fast.” It’s what I remember. It’s a beautiful theme to live by. Hold Fast. I think of my bff Nancy who lost 18-year-old Drew in a tragic auto accident. That’s what she has done—-held fast to Him all the rest of her days. 

PHOTO:  It's one of my favorite spots on earth.  We are headed there on Friday. Clear Lake overlooking Mount Rainier.  And my heart h.e.r.e. overflows today as I bid my spot farewell and Turn Around to face some problems that I cannot articulate.  Overflowing with gratitude for I am more persuaded, more convinced, more oh-so-sure, that my God is fighting for me in Untold Unseen Ways

17 - "Cannot Figure God Out" Job 22-24; Matthew 12:1-23

         

"I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive Him; on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him. But God knows the way that I take." Job 23:8 Such beauty from the heart of Job. Followed by a haughty confidence that Job will come out as gold. And it is that statement right here that Job will repent of uttering---that all his uprightness being tried by God will produce good gold. Oh, may we see what stirs within us. May we see what remains in our lives as permitted by a very Good God to drive me to Him as my Center, my Source, my All. God was silent to Job. The dark night of the soul. And Job continued to fall forward and sit before God in mystery. And Job is learning just like you and me to rest before God in trust of whatever He does.  Job knew way down deep that his suffering was not punishment for his sin that he could stop by living better. In our darkest nights, there is hope that awaits and invites us to love in ways we never knew. "When we cannot figure God out, we will give up the illusion of predictability and control and discover the joy and freedom of hope." Father, You never allow more suffering than necessary for our very best life. That's what the sages say. That's what I wrestle with. It's just hard to fathom how much as in the story of Job. Help this next generation to see things from your perspective. Help us all to live like this servant of yours who kept coming back to you day after day, wrestling with the deep things. 

Am I disrupted by the story of John the Baptist and how he learned the unforced rhythms of Grace?  "I should be!  God prefers a flexible heart to an inflexible ritual (Matt 12:7)."  "This is war, and there is no neutral ground (Matt 12:30).  If you're not on my side, you're the enemy...Consider this---"There's nothing done or said that can't be forgiven (Matt 12:32)."  Take heart!  "It's your heart that gives meaning to your words (Matt 12:34)."

 PHOTO: The place I went to wrestle back when I lived in Austin for these past 18 years. So many tears dropped into this Quarries Lake. 

16 - "Are You The One?" Job 21-22; Matthew 11

Does our Redeemer hold this sun in place? Does our Redeemer hold all things in our life? Job knew it. He knew God was everywhere. He knew prosperity did not depend on right living. 

"What would we gain if we entreat Him?" remarked Job to his accusers. Job 21:16 

Elphaz, a lousy friend, replies: "Is not your wickedness great, and your iniquities without end?" 

While John in the Book of Matthew in 11:3 is still asking - "Are you the One we've been expecting or are we still waiting?"  John asks the question from a dark damp dungeon---a prison cell for preaching truth.  But it's Jesus' reply knowing the rest of the story that grips me this day.  "Go to the prison and tell John:  The blind see, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, the wretched of the earth learn that God is on their side."  We know the rest of the story in Matt 14: 11-12...John's head would be carried on a platter at Herod's birthday party at the request of Herodian and her daughter.  John wasn't healed or saved from a horrendous death.  John knew something I don't know as he wrestled through Jesus leaving him from prison cell to prison cell.  Yet John was free.  When I lost one of my babies to miscarriage, Elisabeth Elliot wrote me the words of this passage. 

Are you burned out with what God is asking of you?  Are you worn out with your life, your family, your friends, your ministry?  Matt 11:28-30 - "Come to Me.  Get away with Me and you'll recover your life.  How do you get away with Jesus?  He will show you how to take a real rest.   "Walk with Me and work with Me---watch how I do it.  Learn the unforced rhythms of Grace.  I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.  Keep company with Me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."  

15 - "I Know My Redeemer Lives" Job 17-19; Matthew 10:21-42

Where Then Is My Hope?
Job still just wanted to die---where is that graveyard.

I mean, he lost 10 children!

He is a "byword" not the beautiful people of the world.  No more.
And his friends want to know how long will he hunt for words.

Hang on, Job.

And Job replies: 

"For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: and though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God; whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another; though my reins be consumed within me."—Job 19:25-27.

"Oh that my words were now written! Oh that they were printed in a book! That they were graven with an iron pen and lead in the rock for ever!" Oh Job! Did you realize we would be reading t.h.e.s.e. words thousands of years later. You made it in the book of all books, the One breathed by God. Job 19:25-27 For I know that my Redeemer lives and that He will stand upon the earth One Day. I shall see God for myself. My eyes shall behold Him, the Day we all live for. Yes, Job, your words are memorialized forever using iron pens.

Engraved words. Engraved on the Palms of His Hands for you and for me. Telling words.  Most scholars agree that it was not a messianic prophecy---I just went and read 3 different commentaries by Longman and Baker and Watson.  . Your redemption draws nigh, Job. All of our redemption does.  Lift up your eyes to the Light, the Comforter of the world. He will deliver you, Job. He will deliver me. And He will stand on our behalf before the world. World upon end. Until then. Hold fast, Job. Hold fast, my soul. These weighty words are forever words. My Redeemer Lives!

In regards to the Book of Job not being a messianic prophecy, I loved what Tremper Longman said in his commentary about Job: Longman believed that Job strongly desired and expected to meet God before Job died.  The words suggest that they will not be "strangers" when they meet.  Job wanted a face-to-face meeting with God.  The thought of it makes Job faint.

PHOTO:  Taken from a bridge across the Arkansas River as I reflected upon what it means to accept those things here on earth that should never be.  Yes, we do know, Our Redeemer Lives!

14 - "Pain Assuaged" Job 14-16; Matthew 10:1-20

Job's friends say that Job's tears poured out to God are windy knowledge. Job 15:2. A friend of all of us, says that "when pain is born, a little courage helps more than much knowledge from your friends and the least tincture of the Love of God is more than all of that. #suffering

                                                                                                                

                                                                                                                 God numbers my steps: doesn't He watch over my every sin? It is sealed up in a bag. Fastened tight. Job 14:16

"Persecution so persistent would wear out the strongest," says Matthew Henry. He goes on to say: Does God destroy the hope of man in his own overwhelming personal pain? 

For now! You know, Job knew and believed in a God who would help and deliver him. But this disaster upon disaster was like it was too much for him to still believe that God was doing something in this. All his sins sealed up like endictments of how much he had done wrong. We look back on Job's day. We know truth in ways he did not. Job's depravity prevails here. He sees his God as going too far against him and his family. 

  
"The Lord must prevail against all who contend with him. God may send disease and pain, we may lose all comfort in those near and dear to us, every hope of earthly happiness may be destroyed, but God will receive the believer into realms of eternal happiness." Matthew Henry
Do not seal up my transgressions in a bag, nor note my iniquities in thy register." He doesn't!

Job's friends called his tears poured out to God "windy knowledge," Job 15:2, "unprofitable talk."  They went so far as to say that Job is doing away with the fear of God. Job 15:4.  Oh!  This father sits in an enormous enigma.  His pain is so overwhelming that he cannot see straight to God.  And, yet, his "miserable comforters" inquire if God's comforts are too small for Job?  May we hold our wisdom for we walk not in those moccasins. 

PHOTO:  The view of the base of Mount Rainier in Eatonville.  A few tears had just spilled out.  Jesus had nowhere to lay his head.  He understands aloneness.  Job was so alone in this.  From the top of the world to safe in His Savior's Arms, still and alone.  

13 "Though You Slay Me I Will Trust You" Job 11-13; Matthew 9:18-38

It was in the beginning of time that Job lived.

Not the wealth of stories that we have about God, Who walked the earth.

Job had worked hard to raise 10 kids and lead them well; He worked hard on the land.

Job's friend has no mercy on him.  Zophar tells a man who just lost his 10 children that he did not get what he deserved.  Job is not in shock, not disconnecting, ... No, the man is wrestling with his sin.  Job is asking God in Job 13:23:  How many are my sins?  Make me know my sins!  His deep heart-wrenching thoughts are coming from a good place in his heart yet some thoughts like Job 13:3 cannot possibly be from a good place:  "I want to speak to the Almighty and I desire to argue my case with God." Can we really argue with God?  So what's the point here?  There are both good and bad residing in our hearts at the same time. The woman in Matthew 9:20-22 thought from a good place in her heart. "If I can just touch the hem of His garment, I will get well." Just touch the Hem of His Garment!!!

How beautiful that Job is leaning, falling forward, on the Almighty.  He knows his limits.  "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him, yet I will argue my ways to His Face."  Job 13:15.  There it is again.  Such Good!  Such Bad! 

And what touches me is that God calls us in this passage to withhold our judgment on man.  Let the Almighty judge Job, not Zophar, not me.  We are to move in love into people's lives, not trying to straighten them out.  Zophar believed in a prosperity-type gospel.  But the question arises even today.  If bad things happen to you continually, like Job, you must be doing something wrong.  What beauty pours out from Job's lips in the midst of his confusion and chaos when he says:  "I will trust Him," ...  No matter what God does---and here is a man who has suffered immense loss.  Job knows something of the Greatness of God that most do not.  Let us strive not to be "worthless physicians" (Job 13:4)  helping others with our platitudes of words and actions that really don't mean that much.  Let us say with Job:  I will trust you God in this present circumstance that I am in, this very day.

12 - "A House of Cards" Job 8 - 10; Matthew 9:1-17

    

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Job 8:22 - "their house of cards collapsed."  C.S. Lewis wrote in A Grief Observed that if my house collapsed at one blow, it was a house of cards. My house of cards collapsed May 1,ll 2009 with one blow only for God to take that house built on sand and rebuild it on the rocks.  Lewis talked about if his house was a house of cards, the sooner it was knocked down the better---and only suffering could do that.  "God always knew that my temple was a house of cards."  C.S. Lewis.

Job 9:13 How can mere mortals get right with God?  Job 9:20 God wins, hands down.  So what's the point?

 Job 10:2 "How does this fit into what you once called 'good'? Giving me a hard time---how is that good, God?  Job, like the rest of us, believes "God should relieve his struggles and replace it with rest. But God uses struggle to uncover a rest beneath the struggle that no anguish can destroy." 66 LL. Job's foolish understanding of the road to find real life is not right.  My understanding is what I have to deal with this day, this set of circumstances.  Foolish Understanding!  So throw the anchor over in the midst of my storm and it will hold true.  There is an Anchor in my raging storm.  I just want the storm to go away instead of a sure and steady Anchor in my mess.  Remember Crabb's quote in the First Love Letter---"You must now live between Anguish and Hope." 

What beautiful faith in Job pushing through his suffering.  Even his friend alludes that Job has small beginnings (whoever called thousands of sheep and donkeys and ten children SMALL?) and his latter days would be great.  Prophetic.  Meaningless to Job at the moment.  Job has not forgotten about God.  His flesh just doesn't want to face all that suffering.  I can't wrap my brain around losing all ten of my children on the same day.  Job says in 9:28 that he has become afraid of his suffering.  Wouldn't he be tempted with---what next?  It is a "land of darkness and deep shadows" for Job.  Even though he knows so much about God, Job recognizes that God passes him by and Job sees him not (Job 9:11).  And the same for me.  May we not miss you, Our Good God, passing us by this day in our suffering be it great or small.

Matthew 19:16 "Good Teacher, what good deed must I do to have eternal life?" G. K. Chesterson once said "We are all seasick together."  Just tell me what I have to do to obey you, God, and I'll work out a way to go do it.  I'll crawl on glass for you. I'll walk a tightrope.  

Jesus' answer to the young ruler jolts me.  He didn't rebuke him! The Gospel of Mark says that Jesus looked and loved the Young Fella.  Oh for eyes to look and love not rebuke our young people.  Jesus looked past his measured dutiful obedience and asked the Young Fella to "let go" of his wealth.  Let go of your worldliness.  You see, the problem was not owning wealth but the ruler's demanding love of the wealth.  What is it that we cannot "let go" of? 

PHOTO:  California. Who knocked down my house of cards?  God did.  And it was good.  Very good. 

11 - "Three Terrifying Truths About Our Existence" Job 5-7; Matthew 8:18-34

                                                        

My. Life. Has. No. Hope. Job 7:1-6. Are not our days like the days of a hired hand? How did Job get to that place? If his calamities were laid in the balances, his distress loomed heavier than his sin, like all of the sands. How do we measure what happens to us? Ten children buried beneath this hard life. Grieving. Now carrying sickness unto death. And a wife saying, just curse God. My. Life. Has. No. Hope. Who will say to God: "What are you doing?" Is there not anyone who can adjudicate? No Mediator? No Arbitrator? No Judge? Then, There is no New Testament. But wait, We know the Light. We know the Mediator. Hold fast. Hold us fast. There. Is. So. Much. Hope. "If I were going to begin practicing the presence of God for the first time today, it would help to begin by admitting the three most terrible truths of our existence: that we are 1. so ruined, and 2. so loved, and 3. in charge of so little.” Anne Lamott, Three Essential Prayers. Father, we are all so ruined by sin. And there is so much hope for that ruin for our Mediator ever lives. Father, we are so loved. And there is so much to live for even with ten buried children and I wince and weasel as I write for I know not that kind of ginormous pain. Father, we are in charge of so little. The fact that You do anything for us is amazing. Job could not remember his past---one of the greatest and holiest men on the entire earth. Seems like everyone forgot his past. Help us today to live remembering what You have done for us and how we got to the place where we are today. 

Job 6:25 How forceful are upright words! 
But what does reproof from you reprove? 

Matthew 8:34 When they heard the 
words of Jesus, they asked him 
"please leave our region."

The words spoken by Job's friends
fell on "despairing wind" searching for God,
there was no Life in the words.

The words spoken by Jesus
fell on empty hearts
not seeking anything but
their own.

God, change our hearts
that Upright Words flow
and land on lives You love.

PHOTO: The Quarries Lake in north Austin, Texas. I put Romans 8:38 on a slip of paper in this message bottle and laid it on the shore. "Not this p.r.e.s.e.n.t. thing can s.e.p.a.r.a.t.e. me from the Love of God. Was struggling with the loss of material things---didn't Job? August 2010 we packed up everything we owned and put it in a 10X20 Public Storage unit. Did not open the storage unit for 17 years.

10 - "If God Wills" Genesis 3-4; Matthew 8:1-17

#10 SUFFERING Job is not struggling with if he will follow God; Job is struggling with how much he has to suffer. The stakes are high in the Christian life But, God's Love for Job will always be irreversible.

The Gospels say: If God wills, He will heal. God didn't heal Job in these chapters. Job says in Job 3:13 that if he was dead, then he would be at rest. Is there no rest in suffering? Is there no way for Job to find rest in the midst of harrowing circumstances? I believe there is a Rest I know not. In Job 3, Job curses not God, he curses the day he was born--- something he could do nothing about. On and on and on. One of the wisest men alive, loses his way in suffering. We have to live in the Mystery of it all. Why God heals some and not others. Why God allows so much suffering.

God's love does not stand outside of God's justice and vice versa. God's Love for Job is irreversible.  Job isn't struggling with "if " he will follow God. He is struggling with how much he has to suffer. C.S. Lewis knew the stakes were high in life. "You are playing not for counters or for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world. Nothing less will shake a man–or at any rate a man like me…Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself.”

PHOTO: On my way to Kansas City. This never gets old or boring or hard. It's my great joy to fly to you KC and all you hold. This quote by Lewis is so touching---I struggle deeply with how much I have to suffer.

9 - "The Lord Gives and the Lord Takes Away" Job 1-2; Matthew 7

                                                  

Here is a man who was unloaded of every conceivable thing he had worked so hard to attain.  Yet, Job humbled himself under the hand of God.  "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the Name of the Lord."  Job 1:21.   

Job was honest inside and out, a man of his word, who was totally devoted to God and hated evil with a passion.  The most influential man in all the East! It was God Who said to Satan, "Have you noticed my friend Job? There's no one quite like him—honest and true to his word, totally devoted to God and hating evil."Again, Satan strikes---do you think Job does all of that out of sheer goodness?  Job 1:11 "But what do you think would happen if you reached down and took away everything that is his? He'd curse you right to your face, that's what."  God replied, "do what you want with all that is his."  So many people have trouble saying God causes evil but God invited evil to do a work in Job. 

God knows something I know not. 

"When you stand before Me in mystery, you will eventually rest within Me in trust.  When you can't figure me out, you will give up the illusion of predictability and control and discover the joy and freedom of hope."  Larry Crabb. Am I really broken over my own demand for satisfaction in my life, my ideas of control, managing what God is saying to me, life on my terms?  If I live broken over my demandingness, I will live in gratitude and rest.  

God interrupts my life a whole lot. He has been oh so faithful to me. I am reading Matthew 7 and God interrupts in verse 7. You have been judging others: you have been bent on changing your husband, your adult kids, your friends. God interrupts and says: Ask. Seek. Knock Matthew 7:7. Intense words. 

PHOTO:  Unloaded of every person, every animal, every piece of wood, every appearance of health. 

8 - "We Are All Seasick Together" Genesis 20-22; Matthew 6:19-34

SOVEREIGNTY “But I thought” —- we all have to wrestle in our hearts with the Truth. Genesis 20:11.  If it truly were a matter of the mind, we could change our minds. Are we taking matters into our own hands? What competes with the rule of sovereignty? Do I love God more than my children? More than my ministry? More than my desire not to suffer? More than what is happening to me?

Because I thought in my heart that there is no fear of God in this place.  Genesis 20:11.  Therefore, I took matters into my own hands again and said: "She's my sister" so they wouldn't kill me.  Here is Abraham, the faithful patriarch, back to where he was before, deceiving people, throwing people into the path of sin, offering excuses, disregarding his own wife, and not living in that "counted as righteousness" life.  In the Hebrew the verse is translated:  "But I thought" . . .  If it were a matter of the mind, we could change ours.  It's deeper than knowledge, it's our heart that must wrestle with God.  Just like Abraham and Sarah. 

And what does God do?  Forgives.  Gives life after, wait, how many years of no children for Abraham?  36,500 suns will rise on this gentleman's life before the promise lives.  Waited a century.  100 years.  Isaac.  Oh, to wait on God.  Oh, to go to God.  Like the unpretentious unassuming Abimelech, who rose early for directions.  Oh God!

God, You promise us that You will act on behalf of those who wait for You, not for a baby, not for a solution, not even for protection.  For You and You Alone, may we wait.  Isaiah 64:4

G. K. Chesterson once said "We are all seasick together."  Just tell me what I have to do to obey you, God, and I'll work out a way to go do it.  I'll crawl on glass for you. I'll walk a tightrope.  Oh my.  We so want the Bible to be a road map to get us there. We silently scream: Give me the plan and we will do it.

PHOTO: On top of a hill on the Rocky Mountains thinking about waiting for God to change me and how I'm always called to move to love.  Move this mountain in my life, God.

       You and I have need of the strongest spell 
       that can be found to wake us from
       the evil enchantment of worldliness which
       has been laid upon us for nearly a hundred years.               
                               C. S. Lewis The Weight of Glory

Abraham loved God more than his father---he left his father's land and all behind.

He went through so many trials and testings.  Doesn't exempt us from further ones.
It's what people give me the hardest saying about:  they really don't want to hear
that one more thing has happened in my life or their own life.  

Don't even tell me---
is what the mantra seems to be. 

Where does my default thinking end up?  Do I love God more?  Do I love God more than my children?  Do I love God more than people and what they say to me? I didn't think I would end my life struggling with acceptance but I am. Does anyone even want to read anything I write?    Probably not. But one child asked me to write. So, here it is with all honesty. 

So, back to Abraham---does Abraham love God more than his precious son, Isaac.
He is about to find out.
Abraham.  God calls his name.
"Here I am." What are are you saying to your servant tonight, my Lord?
No one could be prepared for what was about to happen.
Kill your son, Isaac.
God tells Abraham he must have his son, his only son, the son Sarah wept to bear.  
The son of your laughter.  That one.
Yes, the one who is as your own very soul.
Do it in the land of Moriah, a 3-day journey for you to consider your every step.
With no known reason like other trials where the reasoning was seen. 

Hey, do we demand to know the reason for the things that happen to us when in unknown territory? Sometimes, I think God is punishing me for my mishandling of life. I used to say that to you all---maybe God is disciplining you in this?  You all never liked that.  Ever.  Wish I hadn't said that phrase.  We aren't being punished for our sins---our sins are forgiven and forgotten.  Mea culpa to my children.  

Abraham loved God more than his father and, now, more than his son. 
No delay in any way or form on Abraham's part.
He even distanced himself from his own servants not to intercede or intercept.
A holy willfulness with the heaviest heart carried by any known man on earth.
Abraham bound the hands that had reached out to grab him as his daddy.
The hands that folded in prayer with his dad.  Abraham bound those hands.
The Sun of Righteousness broke through.
Lay not your own hand upon that son.
The answer:  Abraham loved God more than he loved Isaac.
What competes in our heart for the rule of the sovereignty of God?

And a thought and a prayer:  "If You will" - God, please change our hearts.  You see the struggles.  You hear our cries. May we see your Sovereign Hand. On Yahweh's mountain, it will be provided. Get 22:14.

Therefore, don't hoard treasures down here; stockpile treasure in heaven. Steep your life in God-reality.

Matthew 6:19; 6:32.

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